5 Tips for Making Conversations about Death Better

(i.e. less scary for you and more comforting for the griever)

Do you completely freeze when someone casually says, as you sit watching your kids’ soccer game, “I wasn’t here last week because my mom died.”

“Oh crap” moment right?

You’re not alone... most people bungle conversations like this because they're not prepared, having no information or meaningful personal experience on the topic of death.

A friend texted me the other day, “I need you to write a memo for me on things to say when I find out someone died. My brain just leaves my body.”

If you haven’t personally experienced loss (or even if you have), these awkward moments can render you speechless, paralyzed, or otherwise sick with dread about saying the wrong thing.

I’ve had a number of people over the years reach out to me for help because they know I survived the death of my son and because of my job as a life and grief coach. They tell me about someone who has recently lost a child (sister, uncle, best friend, etc.). And they ask me to reach out and talk to the bereaved person.

I was thinking, after I got the plea from my friend for a memo, I should share how I navigate these conversations so maybe you won’t freeze the next time that awkward moment comes along.

1. “Look at the silver lining” is a trap you don’t want to fall into

When I reach out to someone who’s grieving, even though I know better, I find myself wanting to say things to make them feel better and point out the silver lining. Thankfully, I quickly recall this is SO NOT a good idea.

If you talk to people in new/deep grief about all the blessings and things they still have to appreciate in life like their spouse, their home, other children, blah blah blah, it’s a slap in the face. It minimizes the complete horror they are facing. So try really hard not to do this. What can you say instead? Maybe something like, “I love you and I’m here for you. Do you want to talk about it? I’m happy to listen. Or we can sit and be quiet.”

2. Encourage mourning

Instead of trying to make people feel better, recognize their pain is a natural and normal response to loss.

Recognize they need to mourn. Mourning is the outward expression of grief - crying, journaling, telling the story, etc.

Alan Wolfelt (grief author/expert) says, “To mourn is to heal.” 

So one really helpful thing you can do is to encourage your friend/loved one (stranger at a sporting event who dropped the ‘d’ word) to feel their pain and express their grief.

Encourage them to tell the story of what happened. This is in particular is one of the best things you can do to support someone in grief because it is one of the first steps in the healing process.

3. Don’t expect grievers to “get over it” anytime soon (or in fact, ever)

Due to the expectations from society and well-meaning friends and loved ones, many grievers feel pressured, after only a short time, to “move on” and “get over it.”

Unfortunately, many grievers will try to give people what they want and act like they feel “all better” and in doing so, unintentionally avoid the healthy act of mourning and sharing their grief. This is not only unhealthy, it doesn’t work. Deep pain cannot be ignored or forgotten or buried. It will only resurface later. (My journey might well be a case study in proving this point.)

Grief is a lifelong process, NOT something people will move through in one year as many “experts” might suggest. (Definition: Grief is the “constellation of internal thoughts and feelings we have when someone we love dies.” Alan Wolfelt)

A final thing to note here is that healing and feeling better doesn’t mean “getting over” grief. Read this post for a more in depth discussion about the misunderstood “5 stages of grief” and the fact that there is no actual final point at which one is done with grieving.

4. When you honor pain, you honor life

Oftentimes when I talk to new grievers, I share something a friend said to me shortly after Jackson died that actually gave me quite a bit of comfort at a time when rarely anything could. He said most people in this situation will say to you, “If I could take away your pain I would.”

He continued, “I disagree with that. I wouldn’t take away your pain because your pain is a testament to the depth of your love. And it shows how important your son’s life was (and is and will continue to be)… how much his life matters.”

Having someone recognize the depth of my pain and also that my son’s life was so very important, that felt good.

5. Love is worth the cost and really does conquer all

(Note: This one is more of an FYI - for you to know but not necessarily to bring up to someone new in grief, unless of course they mention it first and then you’ll be able to understand and converse about it. )

The final thing that helped me, even in the early days of grief, was reminding myself that the joy of having my son far surpassed the agony of losing him. I remember telling my support group, a few weeks after Jackson’s death, if I could go back in time and not have him to avoid the pain of losing him, I would choose to have him, no hesitation, no question, no regret.

I knew how lucky I was to have him, even for 3 short months. I was somehow able to tap into this gratitude early in my grief journey. And now I know that love, combined with gratitude and effort made over time, really can and does conquer the pain.

Well, that sums it up.

I hope you’ll remember these 5 things the next time someone drops a conversational bomb and brings up death unexpectedly. If you do, you and your conversation partner can walk away not only unscathed but instead, connected and uplifted.

If you know someone who’s dealing with a recent (or not-so-recent) loss, you may want to tell them about this free text message support service. (OR, ask if they’re interested and then, just go ahead and sign them up. It’s hard for people in grief to think or take initiative to DO ANYTHING. If you volunteer to do it for them, there’s a 98% chance they’ll say yes and be so glad you offered.)

Does God give people only as much as they can handle? Does everything really happen for a reason? This free e-book answers these and other grief questions and explains the key to moving forward without ‘moving on.’