5:15 pm

I'm home from the baby shower. It went fine and I did OK.

At one point the inevitable question was asked, "Is this your first baby?" to which I said “My second."

Then of course, "How old is your first one?”

And then I have to say, "He passed away last year.”

Then the awkwardness … "Oh I'm so sorry.”

Sometimes I do OK with this interchange but today I felt on the verge of tears.

I had a very hard time not crying. Maybe it was because the lady I was talking to was so genuinely sorry - I could see it in her eyes.

Most people feel bad for themselves because they went and made things uncomfortable and all they can think about is how to get onto another topic without seeming rude.

This lady was more concerned about me than how she came across. That was refreshing.

And she didn't try to immediately change the subject. She asked if it was SIDS and how old you were when it happened and what your name was. 

I don't know why but I really liked the fact that she asked your name.

I guess because it shows that she didn't think you were insignificant. Your life was important and she got that.

She told me she had lost her first baby to a miscarriage. So she understood that a mommy never forgets or "gets over" the loss of her child.❤️

Dear Jackson,

Your birthday this year was especially hard. I was a mess. I usually do a pretty good job of focusing on your birth and life but this year I was just mad! I should have been going crazy throwing a 5th birthday party and instead I was just going crazy being too busy at work and missing you and not having time to process it all.

Not that there's a whole lot that needs processing - you're not here and that pisses me off, and it makes me sad, and it makes me feel weird in my own skin.

A while back I was in the car trying to turn all my thoughts and feelings into a song. Here's what I came up with. It's just the chorus:

I don't know why

You're not here now.

And I don't understand

Why you left me here all alone.

But to hold you in my arms

And gaze into your smiling eyes

Was the greatest joy I've known.

And I'd gladly do it all over again.

I think that's how I usually feel - I focus more on the having you part at the end of the chorus. Lately I've been thinking more about the beginning part - I don't have you and I don't understand why.

It's silly to be stuck there I know because I'll never understand. Who could understand a beautiful healthy baby taking a nap on a warm June day and never waking up?

I certainly don't understand it and I don't even want to think about it or talk about it

I need to turn my thoughts to more happy places. It's hard to turn a heavy heart . . . I'm sitting here trying to lift it but it's just too heavy.

I guess I need to be OK honoring my anger and pain right now.