How One Hug Changed My Understanding of Loss
A Wordless Message
One day, about a month after Iâd returned to work after my sonâs death, long after the initial sorrowful days of hugs and tears, the ownerâs mom Ruth stopped by.
I hadnât seen her in a long time ⌠probably a year.
So I was surprised when, the minute I came around the wood-paneled corner, she dropped her quilted handbag and grabbed me into a fierce hug.
She didnât say anything. She just hugged me a long time. And then when the hug ended, she looked at me with tears in her eyes.
Grief Reaches Across Time
I didnât know that she too had lost a child ⌠her daughter Cathy died in 1954 ⌠49 years prior.
At the time, I didnât understand her strong expression of sympathy and emotion. I didnât think we were THAT close.
And in truth, we werenât.
BUT, my loss triggered memories of her loss. And also, she knew something I wouldnât figure out for a while ⌠a mom never stops loving or missing her child, not even after 49 years.
Now I Understand
Fast forward 20 years, as I look back on that moment, it all makes complete sense. She was crying as she remembered, yet again, her own pain but also in sympathy for me knowing the long journey ahead of me.
A Must Read Article
I read an article yesterday that reminded me of this special moment between me and Ruth. And it was so good I wanted to share it with you.
Iâve tried to explain how grief doesnât really have a set number of stages or a timeline and you donât ever get to âthe end.â
But this article explains it much better than I ever have.
A Chorus of Grieving Mothers
The article is a compilation of motherâs voices answering the question, âWhatâs one thing you want people to know about grief on Motherâs Day?â
The answers give amazing insight into what grief is like every day (and ongoing through the years).
The chorus of voices in this piece are full of wisdom, heartbreaking while also heart-warming, inspiring, and encouraging ⌠they create a harmonious and beautiful song of unending love.
Please, read it now.
But in case you donât, here are a few sections that are particularly good:
My grief is like the weather. Somedays itâs calm, quiet, maybe even a little sunny. Other days itâs a devastating storm that makes me feel angry, exhausted, raw, and empty.
This day will forever be hard for me. I live with an emptiness that no one can fill; so I may be sad, I may be unsociable, and I may need to take a break to be by myself in a quiet place. Whatever shape my grief takes on this day, please allow me to feel the way I feel and please follow my lead.
Beyond that, acknowledge me as a mother. It makes me feel forgotten and as though my child has been forgotten when people act as though my child never existed.
Also, I can sense that people feel uncomfortable talking about my child and I constantly feel like the elephant in the room, but it doesn’t have to be this way.
I find it really comforting when someone talks about my child. I love hearing their name spoken out loud! I love hearing stories about them. Maybe you know a story I’ve never heard, or maybe I’ve heard it a hundred times before, but it really doesn’t matter to me.
Your acknowledgment alone is one of the greatest Mother’s Day gifts you could give me.
For the Grievers and the Supporters
If youâre a grieving mom (or grieving another loved one), just this small section is so validating isnât it?
If youâre not a griever, read and remember for the sake of your family and friends.
Because at some point, some of them are invariably going to need you to understand these things so you can support them down the road.
Youâre probably thinking, âBut I donât want to read about sad stuff and grief Jennifer.â
I know, but do it anyway.
The world needs more people who understand grief and grievers.
The Big Lesson
âA motherâs grief is as timeless as her love.â ~Joanne Cacciatore
Love doesnât fade with years or healing. It roots itself deeper, becoming part of who we are, and who we become.
Whatâs one thing you want people to know about grief on Motherâs Day?
