What a truckload of potential pain we take on when we love another human being.

To have so much of your life energy invested into a loved one who is then gone - of course you will find yourself face down... disabled for a time. 

But the love and joy you shared will form an underlying strength that will help you deal with the loss.

The intensity of grief (which WILL moderate in time) mirrors the intensity of your shared love.

And that love will continue to beam through your life and nourish all that you do and are.

(Paraphrased using Martha Hickman's Meditations on Grief March 18)

Choosing to live after you've lost your dearest love is a constant effort.

Grief makes you want to give up... to escape.

But you mustn't give up. You still have your life to live. And you have the ability to make it meaningful.

Don't give up. Keep believing that you WILL feel better and be better in the future than you are now.

Keep choosing to live and keep watering that seed of hope. As the hope blooms and grows, so do you.

When you lose someone you dearly love, you can't help but wonder, "HOW am I going to survive? HOW am I going to live without him/her for the rest of forever?"

It's natural for these questions to be on repeat in your head. But they can make you so frustrated and upset as there's no reasonable answer.

As often as you can, try to think more about what:

What can I do to honor my loved one?

What can I do to find new purpose for my life?

What can I do to nurture myself / be gentle on myself?

If you need help coming up with ideas for any of these questions, let me know. I'm here for you

"The story of your loss and your grief is precious. Some situations deserve it and others don't." ~David Kessler

Sharing the story of your loved one is vital to your survival, your healing, and your long term health.

Unfortunately, you'll find many people aren't able to treat your grief and your story with the respect and attentiveness it deserves. 

Save your story for those people who can be trusted to handle it with care. And then, talk to them often. Tell them about your fears and failures, the blissful memories, the regrets and what if's.

When grief is shared and witnessed, it eases the pain and restores your soul

Thanksgiving, Black Friday sales, Christmas stuff everywhere you look - ugh

If you don't feel up to any of it, it's okay.

If you've been asked to attend an event or you feel you "should" get out and do something but it's feeling way too hard, here are some ideas for how to say No: 

- "I'm just not up to it this year."

- "I'm really grieving at holidays like this."  

- "I appreciate the invitation, hopefully next year."

- "It's too hard for me right now."

And then divert their attention by saying, "Tell me more about your plans." 

If you decide to attend a gathering and someone asks the dreaded, "How are you?" - something like "I'm getting by" might be a simple yet honest reply.

If you feel like you do want to get out, see a few people, enjoy a holiday meal, do that.

Spend this holiday weekend in whatever way will be gentle on you. Take care of yourself without guilt.

For a long time after Jackson died, I wrote letters to him. Writing TO him rather than ABOUT him was so much more soothing to my aching heart.

Today I wanted to share a small bit of one of those -letters. This one was written a year after his death.

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 "Saturday 6/5/2004 - Hi sweetie. I read a book tonight and in it a lady wrote a letter to her daughter who died to say "Goodbye."

I don't know how she did that or why. I will never tell you goodbye. I won't. I know you are physically gone but your spirit and your soul are always with me and I won't let them go. And I don't see why I ever should. You'll never be forgotten and therefore you will never be truly gone. 

That doesn't mean I'll spend the rest of my life living in the past or that I'll never heal. I will go forward and I will feel better over time. And I will also remember you and love you and cherish the gift of you for as long as I live."

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I still feel this way, 20 years later. The world doesn't get it but I hope you know, and take this as permission if you need it, you never have to 'get over' or 'let go' of your loved one.

Yes, you do need to go forward and do what you can to feel better. But you can take your loved one right along with you, forever and ever

Some reminders of all the things you are:

- You are Loved

- You are Doing Beautifully 

- You are Deserving of Good Things

- You are Doing Important Work in the World

- You are Creative 

- You are On the Right Path

- You are Inspiring

- You are Making a Difference

- You are Wanted

- You are Irreplaceable 

- You are Perfectly Imperfect

- You are Becoming Something

- You are Going to Be Okay 

(Inspired by this post from @revelatori on IG)

Grief can make you feel TOO everything ... too tired, too afraid, too anxious, too different, too alone, too emotional, too overwhelmed.

And all this can lead to feeling paralyzed, unable to think or move or function.

To help in these moments, try the 5-4-3-2-1 method (care of Mel Robbins).

Count down slowly in your mind, 5-4-3-2-1. When you get to 1, get up and do any physical activity.

Walk around the block, walk around your house 3 times, do 30 air squats, hold a plank for 30 seconds, do 30 jumping jacks.

Get your blood moving and your brain will follow. And then, try to keep moving instead of heading back to bed or the couch.

Do the next thing in your day. Get dressed. Eat breakfast. Go to work. Whatever's next. Keep using the method and stack a second action on to the first action, and then a third and so on. 

Each day you'll find you're able to do a little bit more

Healing is a process that happens underneath the surface, like roots. You can't see the roots but they are there, spreading and growing. 

Then all of a sudden a plant pops up and surprises you:

 You have a good day (there were a few rough moments but you got through them)

You enjoy watching a funny sitcom

You have plans for dinner and you're actually looking forward to them

If you've been wondering whether you're making progress, because it feels anything but, be assured, your healing is happening every day that you carry on, under the surface, spreading out like roots, and these roots will grow, support you, and surprise you.

A simple yet brilliant quote today from Michele Deville: 

"When you can - you will."

A heartbreaking loss disrupts everything in your life. And what used to be an ordinary activity suddenly feels like an insurmountable feat.

Whatever feels insurmountable to you right now, know that it's OK if you just don't do it.

It's OK if you don't:

go to the party

get out of bed

take a shower

cook dinner

decorate for Christmas

And there's no timeframe after which you are no longer allowed to give yourself grace. It may be 7 years after your loss, the HARD DAYS and seemingly insurmountable things will still occasionally come along. 

Be patient and gentle with yourself knowing, when you CAN, you WILL.

Sharing wise words from grief expert David Kessler: 

You can't use the idea of 'finding meaning' to bypass the pain you have to go through. You're going to be in pain. There's no way around the pain. If you don't feel it, you can't heal it. 

Meaning will be the cushion, but you've got to feel the pain. 

And another place people get stuck is, they think there's meaning in the death. People will go, "My loved one was murdered, there's no meaning there." Or, "My loved one died of cancer, there's no meaning." 

The meaning is not in the death. The meaning is what WE do after. The meaning is in us.

Dealing with grief and loss is a part of life intrinsic to our experience as humans. 

But it's still wretched, isn't it?

That it's commonplace doesn't make our hearts break less. If we're supported, though, and careful navigators, it is possible to emerge from the ocean of grief with newfound resiliency.

May these affirmations bring comfort as you go through the grief process and strive for deeper meaning.

- I allow myself to feel this fully, to be here.

- I'm surrounded by support, seen and unseen.

- I can still see the love in the world.

- I can accept help when it's offered.

- I am gentle with myself as I heal.

- I focus on my blessings, goals and memories.

For the full article and list of 16 affirmations, visit this link.