How Can You Be Grateful After Loss?

Last week I was on my way to pick up a pizza… my favorite, with Canadian bacon, tomatoes, spinach, black olives, garlic, and CRISPY. I was starving and, as always, in a hurry.

I sat at a stoplight, fifth in line, behind a white Ford Focus. The lady had her window down and her left hand dangled out holding a cigarette. The light turned green and the three cars in front of her drove on through.

The smoking lady… did not budge.

I waited a reasonable amount of time and then honked because she was obviously not paying attention. She flung up her right hand, presumably hollering, “Alright, alright!” The light turned yellow and she sped on her merry way.

I, of course, had to stop… and sit through the light cycle again.

You probably don’t know this about me, but I’m really impatient when it comes to being stuck in traffic. I’ve got places to go and TOO many things to do… so I need everyone to stay out of my way. 🤓

As I sat there trying not to be totally irritated with this woman, I heard something really good on the podcast I was listening to. And because this was a long light, I had time to grab my phone and record some thoughts before I forgot the golden nuggets.

It was David Kessler, and he said these amazing things (paraphrased):

Loss is not a blessing.
It’s not a test.
It’s not about learning to have gratitude.

Loss just happens in this world. Death happens in this world.

Early on in grief, there’s no gratitude to be found. There are wins.
You take a shower. That’s a win.
You go to work. That’s a win.

In time, there comes a point where gratitude can appear.

Then David shared that someone once asked if he could find gratitude around his son’s death. He replied:

“Yes, I can, and here’s how. There’s one tragedy worse than my son dying at 21 years old. The worst tragedy would be if I never got to meet him in this lifetime. I am so grateful I got to meet him and be with him in this lifetime.”

Whew. Pure gold right there.

That really resonated with me.

I’m so very grateful to have had Jackson and to have shared three months with him. They were the happiest three months of my life. And I wouldn’t trade them for anything. Not even to avoid the shattering pain.

This is something I see people struggle with very often in my grief work. They intellectually know they have things to be grateful for. But they cannot yet FEEL grateful. They’re in too much pain. Gratitude can’t be rushed.

It arrives in its own time, after we’ve taken the time to fully honor what hurts.

I wonder, where are you now on your journey?

Are you in the “I got dressed and that’s a win” stage… or have you begun to notice moments of gratitude?

If you’re feeling impatient, like I do when I’m stuck at a stoplight, remember to breathe and listen for the golden nuggets. They pop up more often than you might expect, to light the path as you make your way.

And if you’re in a season where even the smallest tasks feel monumentally difficult, please know, this period won’t last forever.

If you want support as you navigate life after loss, whether through gentle guidance, reflection, or simply not feeling so alone, that’s why I wrote From Gutted to Glorious and why I created my Grief Guide program. They’re both designed to meet you where you are, not where everyone else thinks you “should” be.