Please Stop Saying “Call me if you need anything” (and what to DO instead)

There’s one phrase every grieving person hears.
It sounds kind. Supportive. Thoughtful, even.
But it’s not.
It’s actually one of the most useless things you can say:

“Call me if you need anything.”

Here’s why that sentence, however well-meaning, is a complete miss. And what to do instead.

🚫 Why Grievers Don’t Call

Let’s break this down. There’s almost zero chance we’re going to pick up the phone and call you. Not because we don’t appreciate the offer—but because:

1. We Don’t Know What We Need

We’re barely functioning. We’re surviving minute to minute. “Need” is a word for people who have mental space to assess their reality. We don’t.

2. We Can’t Think Straight

Our brains are foggy and not functioning. Planning, decision-making, or holding a simple conversation takes more focus and attention span than we have.

3. We Don’t Have the Energy to Reach Out

Talking requires effort—more than we can give. Trying to explain ourselves while in pain? It’s too much.

4. We Don’t Want to Be a Burden

Even if you meant it when you said “Let me know if you need anything,” we figure you were just being polite. And if we get courageous or desperate enough to actually call and you say you’re busy, we’ll never reach out again. Not to you. Maybe not to anyone.

You may be thinking, “But Jenn, we have busy lives. We have work and kids who have to be picked up from school and taken to their activities…”

And I get that.

But if someone you care about is in crisis, this is the time to show up. Ask someone else to pick up Jimmy from school or take Janie to soccer. Rework your schedule like you would for a work emergency—because this is an emergency. Just not the kind with an ambulance and flashing lights.

✅ Real Help Looks Like This

There are better ways to show up for someone in grief. Consider this a ready-to-use list of things you can do instead of saying “let me know if you need anything.”

💔 Support in the Early Days

(Roughly months 0–6, though that timeline can stretch depending on the griever and the loss.)

• Bring food.
  Don’t wait for us to tell you what we want. If you know our preferences, just drop something off. If you don’t, ask about allergies and go from there. Choose something that requires little effort to eat—casseroles, chopped fruit, sandwich fixings. Put it in an insulated bag and text us when it’s on the porch. (This is important because we may not have showered for 3 days and the possibility of having to visit would be a deal-breaker, forget it, the food’s not worth it. If by some chance, we do want company, we’ll text you back and let you know.)
• Send food if cooking’s not your thing.
  Restaurant gift cards, DoorDash, or Grubhub cards are gold. Food on demand.
• Offer a time window, not a vague promise.
  “I’m free Tuesday between 2 and 4—can I come clean the kitchen, walk the dog, do laundry, or just sit with you?” It’s so much easier to say “yes” to a specific, limited offer than to initiate a request.
• Do a grocery run.
  Ask if we need anything. If we say “I don’t know,” bring basics: milk, bread, snacks, canned goods, wine, cheese. We don’t care much about eating right now but if the food shows up in front of us, there’s a much better chance we’ll actually consume it.
• Reach out regularly, without pressure.
  A simple “thinking of you” text can mean everything. But please don’t expect a reply. We see your care. We feel your love. We just may not have the energy to respond.
• If you’re lost for words, offer gentle support.
  One of the best gifts you can give is to sign us up for a grief support text service. It sends encouraging words a few times a week—no expectations, no heavy conversations. Just kindness, quietly arriving.
• Don’t take canceled plans personally.
  We want to show up. But grief crashes in unexpectedly. Some days, getting dressed is too much. Please keep inviting us, even if we decline.
• Let go of expectations for gratitude.
  If your heart needs a thank you every time you help, this may not be the time to help. We appreciate you—we’re just trying to breathe.
• Say their name.
  We haven’t forgotten. You can’t “remind” us of our loss—it’s always there. Talking about our loved one is a gift, not a disruption. We might cry. Know it’s not your words causing the tears—it’s the love behind them. It’s okay if you cry too.

🌿 Support for the Long Haul

(Months—and even years—after the loss)

• Know that grief doesn’t follow a timeline.
  It doesn’t end after a year. For many of us, the second year is even harder. The numbness has worn off, the support has faded, and now we’re left alone with the full weight of what’s missing.
• Mark the hard days—and the lead-up to them.
  Birthdays, anniversaries, holidays… we brace ourselves for them. But it’s often the days before that hit hardest. A simple “I remember” text during that stretch can be more comforting than you realize. Offer to spend time with us, to give us something to do on the hard days but don’t take it personally if we want to be alone.
• Keep saying their name.
  This never expires. Ever. We want to hear it. It doesn’t make us sad—you didn’t remind us they died; you reminded us they lived. That they mattered to you, too. AND, it gives us an opportunity to talk about the our loved one which is a rare gift.
• Keep inviting us.
  Even if we’ve said no a dozen times. The truth is, we want to be included—we just might not have the energy yet. When you keep asking, it tells us we’re not forgotten.
• Ask by text or email instead of calling.
  This gives us the space to process and respond when we can.

📩 Next Steps

If you’re grieving:
Please send these lists to your people. It’s not selfish. It’s not awkward. It’s honest—and it gives them a chance to truly show up for you.

If you’re supporting someone who is grieving:
Print this. Save it. Bookmark it. You will need it—if not today, then one day soon.
Because grief touches everyone, eventually. And when it does, knowing how to help is a sacred skill.

“The best thing you can do for someone who is grieving is to listen, show up, and keep showing up.”
— Nora McInerny

Let’s do better.
When you know better, you show up better.
And that kind of showing up? It changes everything.